Some days I try to remember what normal feels like – scratch that – what healthy feels like. I’m not abnormal. Well, I kind of am but I feel like abnormal can be a negative term. And I’m not going to categorize myself in a negative sense.
I try to remember how it feels to have energy – not increased heart rate from Prednisone but the energy to get up and go for a run or tackle the day without having to sit or nap after a period of time. To not constantly look for new symptoms or breakouts. To not have to keep track of medications. Did I take them today? Did I remember to take the correct dosage? What dose am I on now anyway?
What is it like to go about my day without worrying about overdoing it? Without inspecting my legs nightly for new breakouts? Without wondering if my hand or foot fell asleep for normal reasons or due to blood vessels bursting? What is it like to not analyze every tiny abnormality, wondering if it means I’m getting better or worse?
I want to finally go to the doctor and have her tell me the vasculitis is out of my system for good. I’m terrified the doctors will say that my case is chronic – that I’ll have it forever. That I won’t be able to work out again – won’t be able to dance again (a tough blow in my career path). That the ulcers will come back and I’ll go through the pain and scarring again. That the scars won’t go away.
But I can’t let myself dwell on that as a possibility. Half of this battle is mental. I have to tell myself – tell my body – that I’m getting better, that I can be healthy.
Maybe this is my new normal – at least for now. And while that sucks. It’s okay. I can’t change it so I have to suck it up and accept it – make it the best I can.
I don’t want to accept it. Who would? I want my old life back but everything happens for a reason. You can’t have bad without good – something good will come out of this. But, while it does get hard waiting for that to happen – I won’t be defeated. I’ll keep fighting this. I will always fight.
Sometimes you have to accept your limitations & figure out how to make yourself happy with them, until you can fix them.
Take baby steps. Recognize and celebrate all the positives in your life. It is hard but you can do it. If you are going through a tough time; find what makes you happy, cling onto it with all your might, and let it guide you. Be happy and share what makes you sparkle.